I have a great idea. I heard about this fast food restaurant, and well, they are bigots. You see, they donate money to anti-gay organizations, and recently their CEO came out and said that while the company doesn’t discriminate against customers or employees as required by law, they actually are openly anti-gay marriage! I think we should boycott them! It doesn’t matter that we have known for years that this company donates money to these anti-gay organizations and campaigns, now we know for sure that the CEO doesn’t support gay marriage! He openly and candidly expressed that political opinion in public!
And see, for a fast food giant like Chick-Fil-A, being anti-gay marriage is a huge issue. Because fast food companies are totally awesome all the time and don’t treat employees poorly and union bust and pay minimum wage. And it’s fast food, so they don’t price gouge to undercut comparable local businesses, serve feedlot animal products sourced from tortured livestock at polluting and dangerous megafarms, or support chemical-heavy monocrop agriculture that is destroying farmland and ecosystems across the planet. The food that they serve isn’t so heavily processed that we are hard-pressed to call it food or anything like that. We should totally hold them to a political standard of supporting gay marriage. That’s the only thing that matters with fast food, because everything else in that industry is just so morally infallible!
And then when we boycott them for not supporting gay marriage we can document and share and publicize how awesome we are for boycotting them and how bad they are for not supporting gay marriage using technology that is full of rare-earth minerals. We can post messages from our smartphones and laptops that are made by companies who use slave labor – companies that also donate money to anti-gay marriage organizations. And it’s okay that they don’t support gay marriage because we NEED tech products to crusade against fast food companies that don’t support gay marriage, so it balances out. Someday our phones will come from a more just place but right now the tech just isn’t available without some compromises, so we’ll just wait that one out.
And it’s not like there is anything else important going on in the world right now anyway, so let’s make a HUGE deal out our boycott. The largest financial scandal in history isn’t currently unfolding and being essentially ignored by media everywhere. Trans women of color are not being killed or criminalized everyday and Cece McDonald isn’t in prison for defending herself against a white supremacist transphobic attacker. The prison industrial complex in the US is not growing or being privatized, and it certainly isn’t an issue that the United States imprisons more of its population per capita than any other country on earth. HIV isn’t an issue in any of our communities anymore or anything. And, I mean, the United States Government is not systematically robbing women of bodily autonomy and the conversation about women’s bodily freedom is not still framed or considered in ideas of male ownership of women.
Global warming isn’t happening and the media isn’t shaping debate over scientific reality of climate change by presenting a fringe belief as a legitimate point of political discourse and thereby flying in the face of every scientific organization that studies climate and weather. There are no political prisoners in the whole world, nope, nobody unjustly being held by the USA, Russia, China, or any other country. Everyone in the world has enough food and water and resources to live a healthy life. And even everyone in the USA is able to vote – nobody in America is trying to purge poor voters and voters of color from voting rosters using underhanded political maneuvers. And patriarchy? Islamophobia? State Terrorism? Proto-Fascism? Police abuse? – pshh what’s that all even mean! Not in our country or on our planet.
Nope, nothing else bad is going on. Clearly the most important issue right now is whether or not one fast food company supports gay marriage or gives money to anti-gay organizations, and whether or not their CEO is open to talking candidly about that fact. Even if they are not the only company doing it, and even if they are not even doing the most anti-gay stuff of comparably sized corporations.
And since we’ve all always eaten at Chick-Fil-A at least three times a week, every single one of us queers, we are clearly a serious and long-standing customer base for them and a boycott by us will force a response in our favor. We’re totally Chick-Fil-A’s biggest customer demographic! I mean, we’re not talking about an established Christian business that is closed on Sundays and has been “out” as anti-gay for years or anything. I mean, it’s Chick-Fil-A! It’s the only place gay people go to eat! Ever!
So yeah. I think that the boycott is a great plan. Right on, everyone. Let’s do it.